WIBTA if I go on vacation instead of my brothers wedding?
Growing up in the shadow of a wide age gap, the bond between Tom and his sister was fragile and distant, a relationship never truly nurtured. Yet, when Tom’s wedding loomed on the horizon, she clung to the hope of finally carving out a place beside him, investing not just money but heart and soul into becoming part of the celebration.
But just as the dream of sisterhood within the bridal party blossomed, it was cruelly shattered—Sarah, the soon-to-be sister-in-law, abruptly pulled her out, leaving her to grapple with the sting of rejection after years of loyalty and sacrifice. The pain of being cast aside was not just about a dress or a role, but the deep yearning to belong and be seen by family.
Subscribe to Our Newsletter
As renowned researcher Dr. Brené Brown explains, “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” This situation is a critical example of a boundary violation where the couple failed to respect the OP’s emotional and financial investment. By removing the OP from the bridesmaid role and then attempting to appropriate her purchased dress without fair compensation, Sarah and Tom demonstrated a lack of respect for the OP as an individual, treating her investment as entirely conditional and disposable.
The shift in allegiance toward Becky, the sister-in-law, suggests a power dynamic where Sarah prioritized her new, closer relationship over the existing familial bond and commitment made to the OP. The offer to make the OP an 'assistant flower girl' was likely an attempt to manage social optics rather than a genuine effort to include her, which explains why the OP felt offended. When the OP correctly asserted her right to a refund for the dress, the couple responded with further lowball offers ($250), indicating they were more concerned with minimizing their cost than acknowledging the OP's prior expense and effort.
The OP’s decision to opt out of the wedding entirely and take the Miami trip is an appropriate, albeit emotionally charged, response to sustained disrespect. When communication efforts fail and boundaries are repeatedly crossed, disengagement is often the healthiest course of action. To handle similar situations better in the future, the OP should establish clear financial and role expectations in writing for any future formal involvement in family events, and be prepared to walk away immediately if those core terms are violated.
REDDIT USERS WERE STUNNED – YOU WON’T BELIEVE SOME OF THESE REACTIONS.:
The crowd poured into the comments, bringing a blend of heated opinions, solid advice, and a few reality checks along the way.
The original poster (OP) experienced significant emotional investment in her brother's wedding, spending substantial time and money as a bridesmaid. Her emotional position is one of feeling devalued and disrespected after being abruptly demoted from bridesmaid to the minimal role of 'assistant flower girl,' especially when the replacement was a new acquaintance of her sister-in-law. The central conflict arises from the OP's reasonable expectation of respect and reimbursement for her significant contribution versus the couple's unilateral decision to change roles and then demand she gift them an expensive dress.
Given the sequence of events—the demotion, the attempt to force her to give away the $800 dress, and the insulting 'assistant flower girl' offer—is the OP justified in choosing to attend a pre-planned vacation in Miami instead of attending the wedding? Does prioritizing personal well-being and recouping financial loss in this situation make her the asshole, or is this a necessary boundary against poor treatment by the couple?