How to Make Friends as an Adult: What Research Says Actually Works

Think about how your closest friendships began. Chances are you did not set out to make a friend. You sat next to someone in class, shared a corridor in student halls, played on the same team or worked the same shifts. You saw each other again and again, and at some point you realised you were friends.

Adult life removes most of those conditions. People move for work, start families, work from home and find their weekends filling up with obligations. Many adults notice that their circle has quietly shrunk, and that they are not sure how to grow it again. If that sounds familiar, you are far from alone. In 2023, the US Surgeon General issued an advisory describing loneliness and isolation as a public health concern, and similar worries have been raised in many countries.

The encouraging news is that friendship has been studied in detail, and the research points to concrete things you can do.

The quick answer

• Friendships grow from repeated, unplanned contact over time, so join something that meets regularly.
• Expect it to take time: research suggests around 50 hours together to become casual friends and more than 200 hours for a close friendship.
• People like you more than you think; take the first step and suggest meeting again.
• Move from small talk to real conversation by gradually sharing more about yourself.
• Keep in touch. Friendships fade without contact, and even a short message matters.

Why it gets harder after school

Sociologists have long pointed out that close friendships tend to form under three conditions: proximity, repeated and unplanned interactions, and a setting that encourages people to let their guard down. School, university and the first years of work provide all three. Adult routines often provide none.

The power of proximity was shown in a classic study from the late 1940s. Psychologists Leon Festinger, Stanley Schachter and Kurt Back studied friendships in Westgate, a housing complex for married students at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Residents were far more likely to become friends with the people who lived nearest to them, and people whose doors faced the stairways and mailboxes, where others passed by, tended to have more friends. Small differences in everyday contact made a big difference to who became close.

Psychologists call a related effect the mere-exposure effect: we tend to feel more warmly towards people and things simply because they are familiar. Seeing the same faces regularly builds a sense of trust before a single deep conversation has taken place.

How many hours does it take to make a friend?

In 2018, Jeffrey Hall, a communication researcher at the University of Kansas, published a study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships that tried to put a number on it. He surveyed 355 adults who had moved to a new city within the previous six months and were looking for friends, and followed 112 first-year university students in their first weeks at university.

His estimates:

• about 40 to 60 hours together to move from acquaintance to casual friend;
• about 80 to 100 hours to become a friend;
• more than 200 hours to become a close friend.

Not all hours count the same. Time spent hanging out, joking, talking and doing things together for fun moved relationships forward. Time spent working side by side counted for less, unless colleagues also spent time together outside the work itself.

"You can't snap your fingers and make a friend," Hall said when the study was published. "We have to put that time in."

Seen this way, the challenge of adult friendship becomes clearer. If you meet a potential friend once a month for two hours, it would take a couple of years just to reach "casual friend". Regular contact is not a nice extra; it is the main ingredient.

Step 1: Choose something that meets regularly

One-off events are fun, but they rarely create friendships, because you may never see the same people again. Look instead for activities where the same group meets every week or fortnight:

• a sports club, running group or climbing gym;
• a choir, band, drama group or art class;
• a language course or evening class;
• volunteering with a regular shift;
• a book club, board-game night or quiz team;
• a religious, community or neighbourhood group;
• a co-working space, if you work from home.

Pick something you genuinely enjoy. Shared interests give you an easy topic, and you will keep going even before friendships form.

Step 2: Remember the "liking gap"

Many people hold back because they assume others are not interested. Research suggests that fear is usually exaggerated.

In a 2018 study published in Psychological Science, Erica Boothby, Gus Cooney and colleagues paired strangers for conversations and then asked each person how much they liked their partner and how much they thought their partner liked them. Consistently, people underestimated how much the other person liked them. The researchers called it the liking gap, and it persisted in longer conversations and among students getting to know their roommates over months.

The practical lesson: the person you chatted with after the class probably enjoyed it more than you think. Suggesting coffee, a walk or a drink after the next session is less risky than it feels.

Step 3: Be the one who initiates

Making the first move is uncomfortable, but someone has to do it, and often the other person is waiting for exactly that. Some simple ways to take the step:

• "A few of us are getting food after this, want to come?"
• "I'm going to that exhibition on Saturday. Fancy joining?"
• "It was great talking to you. Shall we swap numbers?"

Then follow up. A short message a day or two later, mentioning something you talked about, turns a pleasant conversation into the start of a connection.

Step 4: Go beyond small talk, gradually

Friendships deepen through self-disclosure: sharing a little more about yourself over time, and responding warmly when the other person does the same. The process works best step by step. Revealing too much too soon can feel overwhelming; never revealing anything keeps the relationship on the surface.

A well-known demonstration comes from a 1997 study led by psychologist Arthur Aron, which used a set of 36 increasingly personal questions. Pairs of strangers who took turns answering them reported feeling much closer afterwards than pairs who made small talk for the same time. You do not need to bring a list of questions to a first coffee, but the principle is useful: move from "What do you do?" to "What do you enjoy about it?" and "What are you looking forward to this year?"

Step 5: Turn acquaintances into rituals

Because time together matters so much, the easiest way to build a friendship is to turn it into a habit: a weekly run, a monthly dinner, a regular call, a standing Thursday quiz. Rituals take the effort out of planning, and they keep the hours adding up even when life is busy.

Step 6: Do not neglect the friends you have

Making new friends is only half the story. Many friendships do not end with a falling-out but simply fade from lack of contact. Reconnecting with an old friend is often easier than building a new friendship from scratch, because the foundation is already there.

A short message, "Saw this and thought of you", a voice note or a quick call keeps the connection alive. Research on social connection suggests that people underestimate how much others appreciate being reached out to, so do not wait for the perfect reason.

What if you are shy or socially anxious?

Activities with a shared focus, such as a class, a sport or volunteering, are often easier than open-ended social events, because there is something to do besides talk. Arrive a little early, when groups are smaller. Ask questions; most people enjoy talking about their interests. Give yourself permission to start with small goals, such as one conversation per session.

If anxiety or low mood is making social contact feel impossible, it can help to talk to a doctor or a mental health professional. Loneliness and anxiety often feed each other, and support can break the cycle.

The bottom line

Adult friendships rarely appear by accident. They grow from showing up in the same place again and again, taking the first step, and slowly letting people know who you are. It takes time, roughly 50 hours for a casual friend and more than 200 for a close one, but every hour counts. The best moment to start is the next time you have the chance to say: "Same time next week?"